I've started a Tumblr to accompany my weight loss blog... I'll be posting the majority of my progress photos here. Right now I've set it up to be a history of my fatness... eventually we will get to present pictures but right now it's a virtual treasure trove of embarrassing pictorials and low self esteem! I know you don't want to miss that. Photo log of my journey to health. Companion to my long-winded blog at http://fatbreakup.blogspot.com
After my weight-gain freakout I spent a good amount of time surfing the web, googling things like “new exercise program makes you gain weight”. General consensus is that yes, this can happen early on, especially with a new strength training program. New exercisers tend to push themselves a bit too hard (all that extra muscle soreness we feel in the days after we enthusiastically throw ourselves into a workout we are SO not prepared for), our muscles get damaged, and our bodies retain water - sometimes several pounds worth of water - to help repair those damaged muscles. I guess it’s science or something.
Some sites I read recommended not using the scale at all during the start of a new strength training program. Not using it for up to a month, even! I don’t think I have the fortitude to do that but they’re right in saying we should use other measurements of success BESIDES the scale because the scale doesn’t tell us everything that’s going on inside our bodies. We should use body measurements, body fat percentages, how our clothes fit, and how we feel as indicators of progress, for instance.
It’s a week later and I’ve lost six pounds, so I dropped that four I gained PLUS two. I guess I didn’t need to freak out after all. Hard work and good nutrition will pay off, I just need to be patient - AND stop stalking the scale.
My weight just jumped four pounds. It’s only been three days since I last weighed myself. I jumped from 222 to 226. I mentioned just a post or two ago that I had some struggles with food this weekend, but it was more a “quality” issue than a “quantity” issue. And I worked out REALLY hard the past four days. I have been feeling strong and was confident I’d see a lower number today. To see one that is higher, that is THAT MUCH higher! More than a pound a day!!
Mathematically it seems impossible. I’d have had to have eaten 14000 calories JUST for those four pounds. That’s 14000 MORE calories than I consumed just to offset my daily expenditures of energy PLUS more than I burned off with exercise. I KNOW I didn’t eat 14000 EXTRA calories this weekend.
I know that there are other factors to what we weigh. I know that I could be retaining water. I know that I could have put on muscle with how hard I’ve been working, and that maybe it hasn’t had time to burn off the extra fat yet. I know that, as a diabetic who injects insulin, having excess insulin in my body can make me gain weight. I know that sometimes it’s just a fucking mystery.
Logically knowing all of those things doesn’t change the emotional shock of seeing that huge gain though. It’s not an exaggeration to say I feel pretty devastated right now. I want to curl into a ball and cry.
I worked so HARD. So fucking hard.
Thank you for your kind words. My self esteem IS very low sometimes. What’s strange is I feel really good about who I am as a person. I feel really terrible about the way I look most of the time though. It’s a sad dichotomy and it’s definitely something worth working on. Having a complete stranger take time out of their day to reach out and compliment me really lifts me up.
As far as ‘changing’ goes, I definitely need to change to be healthy. I have a lot of health problems and the weight and my poor exercise / eating habits only make them worse. I want to be healthy and live a long time. It’s tough sometimes to balance my health goal and not wanting to shame myself for being fat though.
I promise I will work on loving myself more no matter how I look.